Bi and Poly

Can someone bi and poly live monogamously? A friend of mine is looking for experiences and viewpoints on the issue now.

I’ve always been bisexual; my first-grade crushes were a girl called Robin and a boy called Stephen. Perhaps because my model of loving relationships wasn’t based on a tight mother-infant bond, but on the looser but no less powerful association of sisters, I was polyamorous before the term was coined.

Nevertheless, I was monogamously involved with my husband from 1984 (when we started dating) until 1999, when we became polyamorous by agreement. (We had been discussing the issue for the whole 15 years). When we met, I was in my mid-20s, and I had been romantically and sexually involved with both men and women. For years.

It is possible for someone innately bi and innately poly to live a monogamous life, but for me the monogamy had certain effects. For one thing, my imagination became completely lesbian. Lesbian sexual dreams, for example. I kept writing lesbian characters into my fiction; I even tried to sneak a lesbian schoolgirl crush into a Regency romance. (It was excised.) I found myself aching for women’s voices, women’s touch. I did of course still get crushes – mostly with women – even though I refused to do anything about them. And I had a few very close friendships with women that did not cross the line.

These days, when I’m sexually active only with a woman, I’m discovering that the same things are occurring in the other direction. I’m having erotic dreams about men. I’ve been craving involvement with a man. So far haven’t had more than an occasional play date, which is not the same thing as having full-out sex with someone. (I’ve stayed fully dressed on these play dates.) Part of me just wants a guy to hold for a long time, part of me wants to fuck a man, part of me wants a guysub.

I’m not sure I am ready for that – I’m still working out the scars of my marriage. But someday I hope I can find a lovely guy, whether for a secondary relationship or to bring into the family as a primary.

2 comments for “Bi and Poly

  1. July 22, 2003 at 9:36 pm

    Bi and Monogamous

    How I can relate to this. I am by nature monogamous…at least I think. I am in a relationship with a man…but spending endless nights fantasizing about women. As if my other side is searching for balance. Sometimes I wander if poly relationship would be a solution, or is it simply that we always want what we can not have?

  2. August 28, 2003 at 4:51 pm


    I am right there too. While my partners and I are poly, I haven’t been in a relationship with a man for a year and a half, and I think I’ve only slept with two men since we have been involved, early last year.

    My last relationship with a boy ended extremely poorly and I’ve been reluctant to get back in the saddle. I’ve met a nice boy but I’m hesitant and worried, worried that I’ll hurt him with my sarcasm, my jaded view of men; worried in that I don’t know how it would affect my primary relationships.

    If I had my way, we would all be polyfi – which is I guess rather close to monogamy. I’ve never felt like this before, I’ve always been poly, always wanted to be poly, always been upfront with prospective lovers that poly is part of who I am – even before I knew the word.

    Before, I knew I couldn’t be monogamous for any period of time. It would work for a few months, but longer than that was impossible. Now, I’m not sure.

    It’s a difficult thing to predict.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *