Violating Consent

When a submissive meets a Dominant for a scene, the sub is radically vulnerable: not just naked, not just in bondage, but emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, if not entirely defenseless.

The sub enters an altered state of consciousness—the much-vaunted state of subspace, which has to be experienced to be believed. This state of willing surrender requires and engenders deep trust—trust that the Dom/me will keep the sub safe, respect their limits, take care that no harm comes to them.

The reward for the sub is a blissful flowering of joy, pleasure, completeness. The reward for the Dominant is an almost godlike sense of power and pleasure.

You’d think that would be enough, wouldn’t you? But some Dom/mes aren’t satisfied with mere surrender. They want to push beyond. They like to violate boundaries: push a sub to do things that are past their hard limits, do things that might be destructive or leave unwanted lasting emotional or physical damage. They like to violate consent. A Dominant pushing past hard limits, ignoring the sub’s refusal, has just crossed over from BDSM into the very different, very ugly world of rape and sexual abuse.

I thought “Well, I didn’t say “No.” forcefully enough. I didn’t insist. I didn’t hit him, push him away. It must be my fault.”

Those are the words of Mollena, the current International Ms Leather. I know Mollena, and she is a strong, smart, powerful woman. If it can happen to her, it can happen to you. Judging from the comments on her post and the my own knowledge of the scene, this kind of shameful behavior on the part of selfish, callous Dominants is all too common. It can happen to anybody. It can happen to you.

It can happen to you.

Those are scary words. Good. I want you to be scared about this, and very careful. And “you” includes people of all genders and all orientations.

Guysubs often go to assignations with a new Domme without taking any precautions—no safe calls, nothing. Few men worry about being raped, and certainly not by a “mere girl.” They rely on their generally greater size and strength to protect them, or they don’t even consider that women can be dangerous. Honey, when she has you in chains, she can do what you want, and you cannot stop her. I know a number of guysubs who have had their boundaries deliberately violated by sick or evil women who enjoyed damaging the men in their power.

One was a friend who had saved penis-in-vagina intercourse for his wife. He had never done it with another woman and never would; this was their unbreachable intimacy. Imagine how he felt when his Domme (not a pro, a woman he was involved with) decided one day that she wanted to fuck him. She tied him up, got him aroused, and lowered herself onto his erect cock. That was rape, pure and simple, and a disgusting violation of his consent. It was not hot. It was not erotic. It was definitely not BDSM, because BDSM requires consent.

Dom/mes need to hear this too, need to hear that pushing someone past their stated limits is not being one badass hawt tough Master or Mistress, it’s being a fucking asshole rapist. Your honor as a trustworthy, skillful Dominant is on the line. You deliberately violate a sub’s consent, you’ve lost that honor. You’ve joined the ranks of leering, pawing sexual abusers. Don’t do that.

Dom/mes have a great deal of power. They can end nonconsensual abuse of submissives. Use that power. Respect your submissives’ hard limits. Respect their consent.

1 comment for “Violating Consent

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *