It’s National Coming Out Day. My name is Lorelei, and I’m bisexual. (Also a polyamorous queer sadistic Domme and occasional switch, but we’ll talk about all that later.)
This sexual identity is deep-rooted in me. There never was a time when I was attracted only to one gender. Even in times when I have been romantically or sexually involved with only one, the other desire was always there, craving attention. Usually it came out in dreams.
“But you have to choose!” some people insist. “You can’t sit on the fence.”
I have chosen, and I’m not sitting on any fences, thanks. I’m staking out my own ground, where I can love bears, butches, sissies, and femmes of all genders.
Notice I don’t say “regardless of gender.” I do a lot of gender play, and I am especially attracted to people at the extremes of the gender spectrum. Lovely femmy guys and burly bearded men, butch dykes and curvaceous femmey women. My beautiful partner and femsub can do butch or high femme. My male lover is a classic bear, tall, bearded, muscular, full-bellied—and has a thick head of waist-length hair. And despite my powerful identification as a woman, I’m also genderqueer in a peculiarly high-handed way.
One reason that “bisexual” is such a problematic term is that it suggests that there are two genders. In my experience, gender is considerably more fluid and complex than a simple binary. But that’s just the start of the bisexual dilemma. Or trilemma. Or polylemma.
Being bisexual can be an uncomfortable position. (It’s the middle of the road where most accidents happen.) I have a lot more sympathy for the lesbian and gay folks who get angry when we hide behind het privilege than for the straight ones who think we’re sneaky and unsettling.
Actually, almost everybody thinks that bisexuals are treacherous, greedy, self-indulgent, incapable of commitment, and lying to themselves about their real orientation. Did I miss any of the usual stereotypes? Oh yes—bisexuals are narcissists in love only with their own sexuality, willing to let anybody do them, as long as somebody does.
And we all have heard that bisexual women save their real loyalty for men. That their desire for women is mostly a desire to please and titillate a men who gets hot watching them make love before diving in with his manly meathood to satisfy them both. Any shadow of that attitude infuriates me, and God knows how often it’s commercially exploited. Too often.
My bisexuality is very far from being an experiment, a pose to turn men on, or an escape from my true lesbian nature. It’s at the core of my being, and I’ve had passionate, lasting, intense erotic and romantic relationships with both men and women. I was married to a sissy man for 17 years. I’ve been involved with my femsub for more than 11 years, with my male lover for 6. I cannot imagine giving either one of those relationships up, turning away from love, friendship, and endless desire. Not being able to marry either one of them is one of the frustrations of my life. Marrying her is illegal. Marrying him would misrepresent my relationship with her and his with his longterm partner. (He’s been with her for more than 25 years. She is one of my closest friends.)
It’s so easy for society to dismiss the same-sex relationship as a tasty snack compared to the solid, nutritious meal of heterosexual commitment. And maybe for some people that’s true. Not for me.
Go right down to the heart of me, and you’ll find love, desire, friendship for both men and women. I’m Lorelei, and I am bisexual.
BiNetUSA, a great US site for information and support on bisexuality.
