Laughable
TRUE POLYAMORY TALES: It’s Not Exactly Like “Big Love”
Author Lorelei
My femsub: Imagine a house full of women all on the same hormonal cycle.
Gay friend: Ah, I see.
My femsub: At least one is weepy, one is cranky, and one is exhausted. We take turns as to which is which, and sometimes we double up.
Gay friend: You only need four more dwarves?
My femsub: Weepy, Cranky, Exhausted, Ballistic, Neurotic, Dissociative, and Dangerous?
Me: I’ll take several with a side of fries. And chocolate.
The Spanking Mermaid
Author Lorelei
A good friend of mine recommends (metaphorical) codslapping as a way of dealing with male chauvinists, clueless fools, and others who would benefit from the impact of a large, cold, wet fish in the face. This mermaid takes a more fundamental approach, but it’s the same idea.
She looks just like me, assuming I were thinner and had a visible mermaid’s tail. Definitely the same expression.
This fabulous image is from the brilliant cartoonist HOB. You can see (and buy!) his work in person in the dealers room at FOGcon, March 11-13, 2011, in San Francisco, CA. FOGcon is a new speculative fiction convention featuring panels, writing workshops, book signings, readings, parties, free food, and more good conversation per square yard than almost any other venue in San Francisco. Yes, I will be there.
Hot Bi Babes and Other Unicorns
Author Lorelei
The next time someone invites you to make a third in their marriage, or tells you that they’ve been looking for a hot bi babe to date both husband and wife, smile sweetly and hand them the polyamorous secondary relationship card by Edward Martin and Franklin Veaux.
On the back, you can add these possibilities:
- I will be dumped if I give better head than a primary partner.
- I will be dumped if I refuse to participate in bukkake/anal sex/golden showers/Roman showers/needleplay/other sexual activity one primary partner craves and the other abhors. (“But why else did we want to include you?”)
- I will be dumped if I ask for jealously reserved sexual rights, such as sleepovers, penis-in-vagina sex, or orgasms.
- I will be dumped if I have other plans on Saturday night.
- I will be dumped if I refuse to recruit my attractive younger friends for sex parties.
- I will be dumped if I get upset when important decisions are made without consulting or informing me. (“Of course you can still visit as often as you want, but you’ll find that the plane fare to Irkutsk, Siberia, may be a little steep.”)
Polyamorous relationships have been wonderful for me, and I’m a hot bi babe. Well, bisexual. But I have also seen plenty of committed couples who can’t understand why they can’t find or keep a secondary partner, when it’s obvious that they rank their secondary partner somewhere below the family dog in emotional priority.
Want to maintain a strong, positive, loving relationship with a secondary partner? Treat them like they’re an adult human, not a sex toy.
The Official Poly Lovers’ Gift List
Author Lorelei
Each year the Polyarchy — the secret cabal of experts who rule the sexual underground — tries to simplify the lives of up-to-date polyfolk by designing new relationship agreements and requirements, determining what behavior is healthy and what is unhealthy, and setting appropriate and unbreakable boundaries for consensually non-monogamous behavior. Next year’s rules will differ, but, as you know, times change, and last year’s avant-garde is next year’s obsolete.
Under the influence of Mad Men and their bibulous ways, 2010 has been declared the Year of the Beverage. Check this list for the appropriate gift given the length, intensity, and health of the relationship.
One hour to 6 days: glass bottle of sparkling water (plastic is verboten, as it shows minimal environmental sensitivity; warm temperature is acceptable, especially if you enjoy watching seltzer explode all over your partner). Providing a glass and ice cubes shows a willingness to extend the relationship, but a slice of lemon may seem too pushy.
1 week to 20 days: Liter bottle of sparkling water, preferably in cobalt-blue glass. Must be chilled but not frozen. Splitting it by way of two straws shows an arch playfulness masking greed and cheapness.
3 weeks to 6 weeks: Beer by the glass or six-pack is the best choice for this difficult interim period. Microbrews indicate hipness, and many carry amusingly weird names that can send a message to the recipient — the alcoholic version of conversation hearts. Expect knowing smiles in return for Polygamy Porter, and snarled recriminations from Arrogant Bastard or Buttface Amber Ale. When you want to give your beloved a sexual hint, try Golden Shower or In Heat Wheat. Colt 45 is widely considered a preface to restraining orders.
6 weeks to 6 months: Low-priced wine or soda may replace the beer. Two-Buck Chuck indicates a casual relationship. Chardonnay and White Zinfandel reveal shallow, status-based relationships with people whose internal clock stopped sometime during the Reagan era. An Australian Petit Syrah invites the recipient to “climb into my pouch,” or move in. Wine from the former Yugoslavia is an excellent choice, as nobody knows whether it’s supposed to be good or bad. Choosing soda indicates that you and/or your partner are alcoholics, on probation, or jailbait. Embracing the “and” in this situation could become messy.
Beyond 6 months: Casual relationships demand consumables: Blended scotch, martinis, schnapps, liqueurs, and flavored vodkas all come into play. Expense and bottle size indicate the giver’s intentions. A half-pint flask of Popov vodka or Old Crow predicts a brief and regrettable relationship. Gallon jugs of gin, Long Island Iced Tea, or spiced rum promise longer but stormy entanglements.
Secondary partners should be given barware, such as crystal glasses, cocktail shakers, and decanters, all of which must be smashed or returned when the secondary becomes too demanding. Primary partners may be given top-shelf liquors such as 40-year-old single-malt scotch, but only if they promise to share.
Special for the Hot Bi Babe you made a pass at: Unicorn Winery’s Slightly Embarrassed for a failed pass, Traminette for a successful one.
We hope this list will make your holiday shopping simpler. Why worry about your individual partners’ needs, tastes, and interests, when you can consult this handy gift guide?
Incidentally, Mistress Lorelei is always open to gifts of good single-malt Scotch, aged Wild Turkey, and such fine liqueurs as Chambord, Creme Yvette Violet Liqueur, and Bailey’s Irish Cream.
And They Think We’re Kinky
Author Lorelei
This year’s Bad Sex in Fiction Prize winner is Rowan Somerville (or possibly Summerville) for The Shape of Her. This novel sounds like the premise for a soft-porn film: two passionate young lovers vacationing on a Greek island. But the taut nubile bodies romping in an idyllic setting don’t seem to be having much fun, at least not from the excerpts I’ve read. (The book isn’t available in the US yet.) At one point their lovemaking is described in this anti-erotic fashion:“a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.”
I’ll keep the insects out of my bed, thanks. I prefer to be responsible for performing any biting or stinging activities, not to mention piercing anything with a needle.
Savagely Average and Other Kinks
Author Lorelei
Is there such a thing as a normal woman fetish?
Sadly, my unending lust for women in their natural state is in fact considered a special interest now, if not exactly a fetish. By “natural state” I don’t mean naked, although naked is good. I mean that their noses, lips, breasts, bellies, and pussies haven’t been sliced, suctioned, trimmed, stuffed, and otherwise remodeled by a plastic surgeon. I also prefer my women with their natural body hair, despite the Dommely pleasure I take in lathering and shaving someone else’s pubic hair.
Of course, once I’ve got my hands on a woman, what I do with her is also normal … for me. Forced orgasms. Flogging. Hot wax and ice. Clamps on nipples, dildos in ass and cunt, and my tongue on her clitoris, all at once.
That’s normal, right?
Geek Sex and Vice Versa
Author Lorelei
Definition: A geek is a person who cares as much or more for facts, gadgets, books, or ideas as for people. Zie may display knowledge the way others show off pictures of their grandchildren: as a way of sharing what zie most values in order to create a connection.
Unsuccessful geek social interaction:
Geek: Look at this attractive lump of knowledge! Nongeek: Who cares?
Successful geek social interaction:
Geek 1: Look at this attractive lump of knowledge! Geek 2: It is indeed attractive, as is this thematically related factoid!
This may go on to the next stage.
Geek 1: I am not familiar with that factoid, but I find the thematic relationship most satisfactory. Geek 2: Perhaps you are familiar with this inaccurate yet intriguing story. Geek 1: Yes, and I can explain how the inaccuracy was propagated. Geek 2: Would you like to have sex? Geek 1: Under certain conditions, yes. Could you be more specific? Geek 2: In privacy, without most or all clothing, using appropriate contraceptive and safety measures, and perhaps introducing certain specialized equipment and attitudes. Geek 1: Having read your blog, I am aware of the types of equipment and attitudes you prefer during sex. However, I am not entirely sure whether your chosen conditions include me. Geek 2: On this occasion they do. Geek 1: Let us have sex, then.
[They depart]
Seriously, the “geek flirt” is defined as a straight proposition. “I’d like to have sex with you.” It works quite often, and nobody needs to worry about social subtleties. Also, “No, thanks” is an acceptable answer.
You may notice a certain similarity to BDSM negotiation here. In my experience, the BDSM world and the geek world overlap to a great extent. Many BDSMers can be classified as sex geeks. (Classifying is a profoundly geeky activity.) Certainly not all sex geeks are into power or pain, but let’s face it, BDSMers have cool toys, and those always attract geeks.
Our fascination with the kink isn’t limited to doing it or having it done to us. We also love the tools and techniques of BDSM. This is why Dom/mes bond over looking at each other’s toyboxes. Showing off your toys is not primarily a dominance display, although it can have that function. Mostly it’s a way to start a conversation. This is how we connect with each other.
Dom/me 1: Look at this flogger. Heartwood. Dom/me 2: She was the best, although Metz made some great stuff too.
Sound familiar?
The Horror, The Horror
Author Lorelei
The whole ad, for when it goes away and stops searing my brain with its vision of despair:
Seeking Erotic Novel Writter (Long Island) Date: 2009-10-12, 10:37AM EDT Reply to: gigs-u3twa-1417627906@craigslist.org
Do you like Care-Bears and Unicorns? Seeking erotic novel writer to write a novel where carebears have loving sexual relations with unicorns. This isn’t a joke, I’m going to use this novel to teach her about sex. Topics include, safety, love, and threesomes.
* Location: Long Island * it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests * Compensation: 300.00 Per Book
Don’t blame me, blame Mollena. She tweeted it. And I had to look.