Subbing
Violating Consent
Author Lorelei
Significant Changes
Author Lorelei
Earlier this year I started on a new adventure — a romantic and sexual relationship with Siegfried Volsung, my first new vanilla romance in nearly a quarter of a century. My spice thought I was insane for trying; they made suggestions like “Take a masochist to bed with you — you’ll need *someone* to hurt.” But he seemed special — thoughtful, loving, intelligent, unbelievably sexy — and he was willing to try.
For twenty years or so, my chief sexual identity has been as a Domme. The full description is usually “bisexual polyamorous SadoDomme with a dash of masochism.” In my rare forays into bottoming, I always kept control of the scene — it was like having someone scratch my back. (“Down a little and to the right — yes, thanks, that’s it.”) I have said repeatedly that I could never have a vanilla sexual relationship — and that I could never submit to anyone.
I was wrong. At least, I was wrong about the submitting. Because Siegfried himself turns out not to be vanilla, and though we do switch with each other, he’s my Master in most of our scenes, and I’m having a wonderful time exploring the delights of submission.
Don’t worry that the old Lorelei is gone. My primary identification is still Domme; I don’t foresee myself switching with anyone else. It’s very much a scene-based dynamic, not lifestyle; we won’t be doing 24/7. What this is doing for me — aside from giving me great joy and lots of hot scenes — is bringing home the intensity and power of submission. At last I know from the inside what it feels like to be diving. I’m already a better Domme because of it. And I am learning to be his good submissive.
Expect further entries on what I’m learning and how I’m processing this fundamental shift in my sense of who I am, as well as the usual posts about my life as a SadoDomme.
What Do You Want from a Sub?
Author Lorelei
Everyone has a different idea of the perfect submissive. (Thank heaven — otherwise there would be a stampede in the direction of one or two, and everyone else would be wretched.) I’m curious as to which of the various qualities and behaviors are most important to you — and why.
Here are some possibilities:
Service Obedience Masochism Surrender any others?
My idea of service is relatively limited. Getting me tea when I ask for it — that’s a large percentage. Picking up library books, say. Those are things I might do for a sub who was tired or over-stressed, though then it wouldn’t be service, it would be nurturing, and done from a Domme perspective.
Obedience is important, but it has never been a big issue — I expect to get it, my subs expect to give it, and I don’t play resistance games. You wanna be forced, find someone else.
Masochism is nice. I’m a sadist, and I do love playing with someone who gets off on the pain I love to dish out. On the other hand, I also need to give bad pain occasionally, to push hard, to test the quality that is most important to me: Surrender.
What I want from a sub (male or female — I’ve had both) is not pampering or obeying my lightest wish, but something considerably harder to define — surrender. I want to be able to play with my sub like a toy — touch, tease, hurt, fuck, taste, do anything I want, when I want it. I want to be able to evoke fear and ecstasy.
Likewise, I want to get to know all the sub’s deepest inner emotional buttons, and I want to be able to work with those buttons. To push a sub hard, emotionally and physically. To gain their love and loyalty and surrender. I want to probe my sub’s inner self, to discover all the secrets, and to love their pain and shame. As my sub surrenders, I can further and further explore these depths.
Building that kind of trust takes time and love. The sub and I need to be on the same emotional wavelength. But to me it’s incredibly satisfying. Service is fine, obedience is cool, and I looooove playing hard — but to me, that’s not what matters most.
So what matters most to you? What do you like?