Relationships
Leslie Feinberg and the Problem of Family
Author Lorelei
Reposted from Questioning Transphobia
Significant Changes
Author Lorelei
Earlier this year I started on a new adventure — a romantic and sexual relationship with Siegfried Volsung, my first new vanilla romance in nearly a quarter of a century. My spice thought I was insane for trying; they made suggestions like “Take a masochist to bed with you — you’ll need *someone* to hurt.” But he seemed special — thoughtful, loving, intelligent, unbelievably sexy — and he was willing to try.
For twenty years or so, my chief sexual identity has been as a Domme. The full description is usually “bisexual polyamorous SadoDomme with a dash of masochism.” In my rare forays into bottoming, I always kept control of the scene — it was like having someone scratch my back. (“Down a little and to the right — yes, thanks, that’s it.”) I have said repeatedly that I could never have a vanilla sexual relationship — and that I could never submit to anyone.
I was wrong. At least, I was wrong about the submitting. Because Siegfried himself turns out not to be vanilla, and though we do switch with each other, he’s my Master in most of our scenes, and I’m having a wonderful time exploring the delights of submission.
Don’t worry that the old Lorelei is gone. My primary identification is still Domme; I don’t foresee myself switching with anyone else. It’s very much a scene-based dynamic, not lifestyle; we won’t be doing 24/7. What this is doing for me — aside from giving me great joy and lots of hot scenes — is bringing home the intensity and power of submission. At last I know from the inside what it feels like to be diving. I’m already a better Domme because of it. And I am learning to be his good submissive.
Expect further entries on what I’m learning and how I’m processing this fundamental shift in my sense of who I am, as well as the usual posts about my life as a SadoDomme.
So Much Better than Brazilian Wax
Author Lorelei
I had big plans for tonight, involving the Boytoy, Karen, the Citadel, a series of canes, and half a dozen floggers. Unfortunately, I have been sick with strep, so I’m spending my days and nights sleeping, taking antibiotics, drinking chicken soup, and feeling listless.
I did get a little play tonight of a much less strenuous kind. Sometimes a subtle scene can be even more erotic than a big, savage Domme-aerobics lashfest.
Now, one of the complexities of poly BDSM is dealing with conflicting interests. Generally Redmage and I don’t have problems with that; our interests dovetail beautifully. He does elaborate and beautiful rope bondage and electroplay. I do fisting and vampire gloves. We both play with knives, but I’m the one who draws blood. We both play with canes, floggers, and paddles, but he’s the one with the awe-inspiring flogging stance and collection of custom floggers.
However, we do have a difference of opinion whether Karen looks better shaved or with her own luxuriant bush. This could be a source of conflict, but instead it has become a source of delight for me. Although I love pubic hair, I also really love doing shaving scenes. So we compromise. When she is shaved, I get to do the shaving. In between, she lets it grow, and I enjoy her thick curly chevelure.
Tonight Karen needed to shave; tomorrow she and Redmage are off to a play party. (Where I would be going if I were going out.) So I told her to prepare the necessities: a razor with a fresh blade, shaving cream, a basin of warm water, several towels, a washcloth, and damned good lighting, since the careful Domme does not trim a sub’s clit along with her bush.
Karen lay naked, legs spread, waiting for me. No bondage needed. She looked up at me as I made my preparations and laughed. “It’s that mad scientist look!”
Well, of course. First I soaked the washcloth in the warm water and spread it across her lushly furred crotch. Naturally, I had to stroke and touch and massage her mons veneris. It’s not necessary for the shaving, but it’s absolutely required by my pleasure. Much of the joy of Dommeing for me is in getting to play with my sub in any way I choose.
When her hair was thoroughly wet and soft, I spread a generous amount of shaving gel on my hands and rubbed them over her crotch, being careful to keep to the outside. Then, the pleasures and perils of the blade, stroking away the curls and leaving rosy, naked flesh.
Just think how erotic: a naked woman, lying surrendered and open to my touch, holding helplessly still as I caress her cunt with a sharp blade. Her breathless expectancy, her shapely legs spread as she offers up her cunt to me, the tender folds of her pussy gleaming beneath the rich lather and the damp curls — all while I slowly, carefully touch and stretch and shave every fold.
It’s a long, careful process, and the blade has to be rinsed often, but eventually I had done the first pass and was ready for the next. One more layer of shaving gel. This time the razor glided smoothly over her bare skin.
Now her cunt lay utterly bare and open, like a strawberry sliced in half. No hiding the full clit, the voluptuous inner lips, the three rings that pierce her. Soon it will be veiled again by dark curls, its folds and secrets open only to the probing tongue or hand. Then I can start the cycle over again.
Bi and Poly
Author Lorelei
Can someone bi and poly live monogamously? A friend of mine is looking for experiences and viewpoints on the issue now.
I’ve always been bisexual; my first-grade crushes were a girl called Robin and a boy called Stephen. Perhaps because my model of loving relationships wasn’t based on a tight mother-infant bond, but on the looser but no less powerful association of sisters, I was polyamorous before the term was coined.
Nevertheless, I was monogamously involved with my husband from 1984 (when we started dating) until 1999, when we became polyamorous by agreement. (We had been discussing the issue for the whole 15 years). When we met, I was in my mid-20s, and I had been romantically and sexually involved with both men and women. For years.
It is possible for someone innately bi and innately poly to live a monogamous life, but for me the monogamy had certain effects. For one thing, my imagination became completely lesbian. Lesbian sexual dreams, for example. I kept writing lesbian characters into my fiction; I even tried to sneak a lesbian schoolgirl crush into a Regency romance. (It was excised.) I found myself aching for women’s voices, women’s touch. I did of course still get crushes – mostly with women – even though I refused to do anything about them. And I had a few very close friendships with women that did not cross the line.
These days, when I’m sexually active only with a woman, I’m discovering that the same things are occurring in the other direction. I’m having erotic dreams about men. I’ve been craving involvement with a man. So far haven’t had more than an occasional play date, which is not the same thing as having full-out sex with someone. (I’ve stayed fully dressed on these play dates.) Part of me just wants a guy to hold for a long time, part of me wants to fuck a man, part of me wants a guysub.
I’m not sure I am ready for that – I’m still working out the scars of my marriage. But someday I hope I can find a lovely guy, whether for a secondary relationship or to bring into the family as a primary.
What Do You Want from a Sub?
Author Lorelei
Everyone has a different idea of the perfect submissive. (Thank heaven — otherwise there would be a stampede in the direction of one or two, and everyone else would be wretched.) I’m curious as to which of the various qualities and behaviors are most important to you — and why.
Here are some possibilities:
Service Obedience Masochism Surrender any others?
My idea of service is relatively limited. Getting me tea when I ask for it — that’s a large percentage. Picking up library books, say. Those are things I might do for a sub who was tired or over-stressed, though then it wouldn’t be service, it would be nurturing, and done from a Domme perspective.
Obedience is important, but it has never been a big issue — I expect to get it, my subs expect to give it, and I don’t play resistance games. You wanna be forced, find someone else.
Masochism is nice. I’m a sadist, and I do love playing with someone who gets off on the pain I love to dish out. On the other hand, I also need to give bad pain occasionally, to push hard, to test the quality that is most important to me: Surrender.
What I want from a sub (male or female — I’ve had both) is not pampering or obeying my lightest wish, but something considerably harder to define — surrender. I want to be able to play with my sub like a toy — touch, tease, hurt, fuck, taste, do anything I want, when I want it. I want to be able to evoke fear and ecstasy.
Likewise, I want to get to know all the sub’s deepest inner emotional buttons, and I want to be able to work with those buttons. To push a sub hard, emotionally and physically. To gain their love and loyalty and surrender. I want to probe my sub’s inner self, to discover all the secrets, and to love their pain and shame. As my sub surrenders, I can further and further explore these depths.
Building that kind of trust takes time and love. The sub and I need to be on the same emotional wavelength. But to me it’s incredibly satisfying. Service is fine, obedience is cool, and I looooove playing hard — but to me, that’s not what matters most.
So what matters most to you? What do you like?
Suck, Sex, Swallow
Author Lorelei
Do Dommes ever have regular intercourse? Do they do fellatio? These seem kind of undignified, maybe even subby.
Honey, Dommes do what we damned well please, and we don’t worry what someone else thinks of our pleasures. Yes, I personally love fellatio. I also bite.
Many people consider receiving penetration to be somehow an intrinsically submissive act. They see penetration as invasive, controlling. Sure, it can be. When I’m wearing a strap-on, you’d better believe that with every thrust, I am taking, using, claiming my partner from the inside out. (The plentiful use of lube makes this a much happier process for all concerned. I don’t confuse discomfort with dominance.) GuyDoms may also have similar feelings when they’re fucking a sub’s mouth, pussy, or ass. And during a fisting, I am filling my partner in one of the most powerful and intimate acts possible to human beings.
Nevertheless, I’ve never felt a contradiction between dominance and receiving penetrative sex. I love penetrative sex of all varieties. When I’m being fucked, I don’t feel invaded or surrendered to my lover. I feel voracious, engulfing, then I feel incredibly well-filled and satisfied. My partner and his cock (or her strap-on) are at my service, providing the sensations I desire.
My pleasure in engulfing extends to oral sex. Given the fact that I have teeth, I just can’t see performing fellatio as a subservient activity. How can it be? I’m controlling my partner’s cock with my mouth. I get to nibble, suck, tease, torment, and arouse him, not to mention bite. I do it for my own primitive pleasure in the taste and feel of a cock in my mouth — but also for the sadistic joys of inflicting pleasure. A touch of pain, a touch of fear, an overload of frustration, all the unpredictable sensations I choose to bestow.
Of course, one of my pleasures in fellatio is simultaneously fucking the guysub’s ass, with lubed fingers or a toy. It’s even better if I have him gagged, so his mouth is also claimed.
Imagine yourself tied on your back, knees up so your sweet shy butthole is accessible to my probing fingers. All you can do is lie there exposed, naked, awaiting my will — you can’t move, can’t hide. It’s so easy for me to squeeze your balls, trail a fingernail along the sensitive perineum, or twist your scrotum while I lick and chew and suck. And there is nothing you can do about it except moan.
Feel the rhythm, counterpoint, and syncopation of my mouth and hand, filling your ass and swallowing your cock, building up the tension, bringing you close to the edge, withdrawing everything for a near-catastrophic moment, then filling and embracing you again.
Do you feel in charge? Or do you feel ravished?
Tips for Great Oral Sex
My Master wants me to go down on him, but I have a real terror of oral sex. I had some bad experiences. Can you help? I don’t want to be rebellious, but this is really hard for me.
First and most important, your submission and obedience can be just as well expressed with a dry kiss to the glans — or the hand — as in sword-swallowing. As a Domme, what I value is a submissive’s gift of who s/he is, and I don’t demand that someone fit themselves to an impossible standard of Perfect Subbiness — more like plastic subbiness, when you think of it. Your gift of yourself is precious enough without fellatio.
You may never be able to handle fellatio, but, speaking as a Domme, I’d be enormously touched and pleased if you were able to try a little, as much for your own sake as for mine. I wouldn’t expect you to turn into Linda Lovelace overnight. Nor would I be disappointed in you if you couldn’t overcome the block. Not the greatest Domme nor the most obedient submissive can heal all the past with a touch. If your Dom would be satisfied by nothing less than a savage oral rape-style scene, that could be a serious problem, but the problem would be with his unrealistic demands, not with you. A good and loving Dom/me wouldn’t knowingly push you there unless and until you’re ready.
I can’t address the deep psychological issues; in my experience, you need to work those through with a good therapist. And I do recommend that you do so. Obviously there’s a lot of hurt here, and I hate to think of you in such pain.
What I can help with is a practical desensitization exercise. Buy a realistic dildo, the kind with glans and balls and veins. They come in various amusing jelly colors as well as a couple of not-terribly-realistic skin tones; I recommend the jellies because they feel uncannily like the real thing. They also come in a range of sizes from average, real-world-guy to “boy, do you have a future in porn movies.” Choose a small one. (In fact, you might want to start with a tiny dildo — maybe a new, slender, mini buttplug.) Wash it well; they taste kind of funny. If you like, smear it with something tasty: honey, whipped cream, chocolate sauce. Then practice on it. Start gently and slowly. Lick and suck it, and stop whenever things get nasty. Then when you feel good again, start up again. Take it slowly, but practice often, and you’ll be amazed how soon you can slide the whole thing in.
If you keep it up, I bet you’ll learn to deal with the feel of having a cock in your mouth, or even just licking it. You’ll learn to associate it with pleasure and control, instead of misery and helplessness. I came up with this as a technique to teach a lesbian friend how to suck cock, a skill she needed when she started subbing to a man. It’s also useful for learning how to deep-throat.
Though this is not how I overcame them, I myself have had some serious issues with foreign objects in my mouth. Dear old Daddy orally raped me when I was a toddler, so I’ve always had a very sensitive gag reflex (I gag on my own toothbrush sometimes), and I used to come out of a painless, no-cavities dental exam sobbing uncontrollably. Yet I love fellatio, and I can do it, too. Luckily one of my early lovers was willing to let me approach his cock at my own pace and style, so I was able to do the desensitization using a live cock. (Thanks, Jason.) I learned that he wouldn’t hurt me, force me, or push me into a difficult place. Since then I’ve had no problems with cocks. I still have the gag reflex. It just doesn’t operate when I’m sucking cock.
Other fellatio tips:
- Breathe through your nose, and it cuts down the gagging considerably.
- Relax your tongue, even move it a bit forward, and you can take him much deeper.
- To control the depth to which he’s going in your mouth, wrap one hand (or both, if needed) around his cock, as far back from the head as you want to let him in. That way his whole cock is being stimulated, and you only have to take in as much as you want. To give him that all-over wet feel, you can lick him all over first, or lube him with a flavored lube.
- In my experience, if a guy has a nice wide fat cock, he can be harder to go down on. My back teeth get in the way, since I have a small mouth. Which is not a problem if he’s a sub. A longer cock is actually less trouble, because you can use your hands too.
- If you have a hand free, try enhancing the experience with playing with his balls or penetrating his ass.
- And as long as we’re talking cockplay (which I do love), using lube before a handjob makes it a much more rewarding experience.
- Another nice handjob trick is to change the normal in-and-out motion. Instead of rubbing down the length of the cock and then changing direction, use both hands alternately to rub in one direction for a while, so he’ll feel like he’s just going deeper and deeper and deeper, and then switch directions. (You really need lube for this.) I dunno if it works just because it feels good, or because it makes him feel like his cock is about a yard long.
- Farm girls will also know that milking is a wonderful technique to use on a cock. Grasp the cock with your whole hand, but instead of wrapping your thumb around, turn it downward, running parallel to the cock and pressing into it. Instead of yanking on the cock, stimulate it by pressing your fingers in waves. Very nice.
Usually I’m more likely to post about CBT. I hope everybody’s not too unbearably surprised that I know how to play nicely with those luscious organs.