Posts Tagged ‘bisexuality’
It’s National Coming Out Day. My name is Lorelei, and I’m bisexual. (Also a polyamorous queer sadistic Domme and occasional switch, but we’ll talk about all that later.)
This sexual identity is deep-rooted in me. There never was a time when I was attracted only to one gender. Even in times when I have been romantically or sexually involved with only one, the other desire was always there, craving attention. Usually it came out in dreams.
“But you have to choose!” some people insist. “You can’t sit on the fence.”
I have chosen, and I’m not sitting on any fences, thanks. I’m staking out my own ground, where I can love bears, butches, sissies, and femmes of all genders.
Notice I don’t say “regardless of gender.” I do a lot of gender play, and I am especially attracted to people at the extremes of the gender spectrum. Lovely femmy guys and burly bearded men, butch dykes and curvaceous femmey women. My beautiful partner and femsub can do butch or high femme. My male lover is a classic bear, tall, bearded, muscular, full-bellied—and has a thick head of waist-length hair. And despite my powerful identification as a woman, I’m also genderqueer in a peculiarly high-handed way.
One reason that “bisexual” is such a problematic term is that it suggests that there are two genders. In my experience, gender is considerably more fluid and complex than a simple binary. But that’s just the start of the bisexual dilemma. Or trilemma. Or polylemma.
Being bisexual can be an uncomfortable position. (It’s the middle of the road where most accidents happen.) I have a lot more sympathy for the lesbian and gay folks who get angry when we hide behind het privilege than for the straight ones who think we’re sneaky and unsettling.
Actually, almost everybody thinks that bisexuals are treacherous, greedy, self-indulgent, incapable of commitment, and lying to themselves about their real orientation. Did I miss any of the usual stereotypes? Oh yes—bisexuals are narcissists in love only with their own sexuality, willing to let anybody do them, as long as somebody does.
And we all have heard that bisexual women save their real loyalty for men. That their desire for women is mostly a desire to please and titillate a men who gets hot watching them make love before diving in with his manly meathood to satisfy them both. Any shadow of that attitude infuriates me, and God knows how often it’s commercially exploited. Too often.
My bisexuality is very far from being an experiment, a pose to turn men on, or an escape from my true lesbian nature. It’s at the core of my being, and I’ve had passionate, lasting, intense erotic and romantic relationships with both men and women. I was married to a sissy man for 17 years. I’ve been involved with my femsub for more than 11 years, with my male lover for 6. I cannot imagine giving either one of those relationships up, turning away from love, friendship, and endless desire. Not being able to marry either one of them is one of the frustrations of my life. Marrying her is illegal. Marrying him would misrepresent my relationship with her and his with his longterm partner. (He’s been with her for more than 25 years. She is one of my closest friends.)
It’s so easy for society to dismiss the same-sex relationship as a tasty snack compared to the solid, nutritious meal of heterosexual commitment. And maybe for some people that’s true. Not for me.
Go right down to the heart of me, and you’ll find love, desire, friendship for both men and women. I’m Lorelei, and I am bisexual.
Can someone bi and poly live monogamously? A friend of mine is looking for experiences and viewpoints on the issue now.
I’ve always been bisexual; my first-grade crushes were a girl called Robin and a boy called Stephen. Perhaps because my model of loving relationships wasn’t based on a tight mother-infant bond, but on the looser but no less powerful association of sisters, I was polyamorous before the term was coined.
Nevertheless, I was monogamously involved with my husband from 1984 (when we started dating) until 1999, when we became polyamorous by agreement. (We had been discussing the issue for the whole 15 years). When we met, I was in my mid-20s, and I had been romantically and sexually involved with both men and women. For years.
It is possible for someone innately bi and innately poly to live a monogamous life, but for me the monogamy had certain effects. For one thing, my imagination became completely lesbian. Lesbian sexual dreams, for example. I kept writing lesbian characters into my fiction; I even tried to sneak a lesbian schoolgirl crush into a Regency romance. (It was excised.) I found myself aching for women’s voices, women’s touch. I did of course still get crushes – mostly with women – even though I refused to do anything about them. And I had a few very close friendships with women that did not cross the line.
These days, when I’m sexually active only with a woman, I’m discovering that the same things are occurring in the other direction. I’m having erotic dreams about men. I’ve been craving involvement with a man. So far haven’t had more than an occasional play date, which is not the same thing as having full-out sex with someone. (I’ve stayed fully dressed on these play dates.) Part of me just wants a guy to hold for a long time, part of me wants to fuck a man, part of me wants a guysub.
I’m not sure I am ready for that – I’m still working out the scars of my marriage. But someday I hope I can find a lovely guy, whether for a secondary relationship or to bring into the family as a primary.