Valentine’s Day and Lupercalia
Author Lorelei
Quiz:
Valentine’s Day is:
- a commemoration of the martyrdom of a Roman whom the Catholic Church removed from the calendar of saints in 1969
- a commercialized festival celebrating a romantic love so profoundly stereotyped that it practically qualifies as a fetish
- a leftover of pagan fertility rituals such as Lupercalia, during which naked celebrants whipped each other into a passion
- a day to throw money away on bad chocolate and scentless roses
- a heteronormative consumerist festival that does for real love what commercial Christmas celebrations do for Jesus
- also known as S.A.D., Singles Awareness Day
- being ruined, ruined I tell you, by cynics like Mistress Lorelei
- a good idea, if only to break up the misery of February
- all of the above
I seriously dislike the schmaltzy commercial aspects of Valentine’s Day, but I’m a sentimentalist at heart, and I think celebrating love is a good idea. Especially in February, which is in many places a month of dreary skies and icy roads.
However, I am also thoroughly in favor of Lupercalia: a festival of purification by whipping, stimulating fertility by whipping, and relieving the misery of mid-February by whipping. Even if you’re not feeling especially impure, a good flogging can get your juices flowing. Also, the fertility stimulated can be creative and symbolic, not necessarily reproductive.
So embrace the power of “and.” Go forth and celebrate Lupercalia. Spank one another, or use leather straps, which are more authentic. Break out the goatskin flogger and the ancient Roman recipes. Then honor the modern Western holiday by having some good chocolate and champagne.
The Gallery of Dangerous Women
Author Lorelei
I’ve finally started a Tumblr. It focuses on women who break the mold in some way — women who command their own minds, bodies, hearts, and sexual expression. Women who threaten the patriarchy by their very existence. They’re not all Dommes by any means. Nor are they all nice or even good.
Come take a look! I’ll be adding pictures, bios, and commentary on dangerous women, plus links from some friends.
The Spanking Mermaid
Author Lorelei
A good friend of mine recommends (metaphorical) codslapping as a way of dealing with male chauvinists, clueless fools, and others who would benefit from the impact of a large, cold, wet fish in the face. This mermaid takes a more fundamental approach, but it’s the same idea.
She looks just like me, assuming I were thinner and had a visible mermaid’s tail. Definitely the same expression.
This fabulous image is from the brilliant cartoonist HOB. You can see (and buy!) his work in person in the dealers room at FOGcon, March 11-13, 2011, in San Francisco, CA. FOGcon is a new speculative fiction convention featuring panels, writing workshops, book signings, readings, parties, free food, and more good conversation per square yard than almost any other venue in San Francisco. Yes, I will be there.
Hot Bi Babes and Other Unicorns
Author Lorelei
The next time someone invites you to make a third in their marriage, or tells you that they’ve been looking for a hot bi babe to date both husband and wife, smile sweetly and hand them the polyamorous secondary relationship card by Edward Martin and Franklin Veaux.
On the back, you can add these possibilities:
- I will be dumped if I give better head than a primary partner.
- I will be dumped if I refuse to participate in bukkake/anal sex/golden showers/Roman showers/needleplay/other sexual activity one primary partner craves and the other abhors. (“But why else did we want to include you?”)
- I will be dumped if I ask for jealously reserved sexual rights, such as sleepovers, penis-in-vagina sex, or orgasms.
- I will be dumped if I have other plans on Saturday night.
- I will be dumped if I refuse to recruit my attractive younger friends for sex parties.
- I will be dumped if I get upset when important decisions are made without consulting or informing me. (“Of course you can still visit as often as you want, but you’ll find that the plane fare to Irkutsk, Siberia, may be a little steep.”)
Polyamorous relationships have been wonderful for me, and I’m a hot bi babe. Well, bisexual. But I have also seen plenty of committed couples who can’t understand why they can’t find or keep a secondary partner, when it’s obvious that they rank their secondary partner somewhere below the family dog in emotional priority.
Want to maintain a strong, positive, loving relationship with a secondary partner? Treat them like they’re an adult human, not a sex toy.
Modern Sex Conference: Communication or Old-Fashioned Silencing?
Author Lorelei
Oregon State University is hosting a conference on Modern Sex: Privilege, Communication, and Culture. They invited the eminent Tristan Taormino to be keynote speaker. Great choice!
Then — after she had bought plane tickets, which they are now refusing to reimburse — they canceled her appearance. Why? Does it turn out she isn’t actually an internationally known and respected sex educator? No. Everybody acknowledges her impressive CV: the decade as a sex columnist for the Village Voice, her dozens of appearances at college campuses to lecture about sex, her many workshops and television appearances, her fine films, her well-crafted, thoughtful, intelligent writings.
In fact, all those things that make her an expert are the reason they’re canceling. Because she does know and write about sex, and makes films about sex, and gives advice about sex on her wonderful website, and probably even has sex herself. (OK, I’ll be honest. They didn’t actually say that it’s because she might not be a virgin, but I bet they’re thinking it.)
I realize this sounds insane. It is insane. It’s also incredibly stupid.
The problem is this:
On Tuesday, January 18, 2011, Steven Leider, Director of the Office of LGBT Outreach and Services contacted Colten Tognazzini, Tristan Taormino’s manager, to say that the conference had come up short on funding. Tognazzini told him that since the travel was booked and the time reserved, they could work with whatever budget they did have. Leider said that would not be possible: “We have to cancel Ms. Taormino’s appearance due to a lack of funding. It has been decided that OSU cannot pay Ms. Taormino with general fee dollars, because of the content of her resume and website.” At OSU, ‘general fee dollars’ include taxpayer dollars given to the University by the Oregon State Legislature to defray various costs. They differ from ‘student activity dollars,’ which are part of every student’s tuition and help fund student groups and activities.
Just let that soak in, friends. OSU refuses to pay an expert because the taxpayers might be bothered by her specialty. Yeah, I know: we’re living in an era that is positively psychotic about sexuality, when it’s fine to use the hint or promise or exploitation of a natural urge to sell everything but Bibles, but honest, open discussion about sex and its pleasures leads to screaming hysteria that we’ll all end up pregnant and syphilitic in hell.
Dear OSU: 99% of taxpayers have sex, had sex, will have sex, obsess about sex, and could use some education about sex. You had a chance to be a leader and stand for the university’s intellectual freedom. Now you look like timid fools. “Fools” because just paying Taormino out of the general fund would have been fine, and now you have a major scandal on your hands.
How You Can Help
Tristan Taormino says:
If you support free speech and my mission of sexual empowerment, here’s how you can help:
—Twitter: retweet my original post and make sure to include the hash tag #OSUantisex:
Keynote by @TristanTaormino canceled by OSU admin b/c of resume & website RT in protest http://tinyurl.com/4f4wmor #OSUantisex
—Twitter: reply to Dean of Student Life @deanmamta and @oregonstateuniv
—Email or call: voice your opinion about OSU’s decision to cancel my appearance at the last minute and not reimburse me for travel expenses to the following people (read press release below for details)
Larry Roper, Vice Provost for Student Affairs 632 Kerr Administration Building Corvallis, OR 97331-2154 541-737-3626 (phone) 541-737-3033 (fax) email: larry.roper@oregonstate.edu
Dr. Mamta Motwani Accapadi Dean of Student Life A200 Kerr Administration Building Corvallis, OR 97331-2133 541-737-8748 (phone) 541-737-9160 (fax) email: deanofstudents@oregonstate.edu twitter: @deanmamta
Dr. Edward J. Ray President 600 Kerr Administration Building Corvallis, OR 97331-2128 541-737-4133 (phone) 541-737-3033 (fax) email: pres.office@oregonstate.edu
Leslie Feinberg and the Problem of Family
Author Lorelei
Reposted from Questioning Transphobia
Hermaphroditus Intersex
Author Lorelei
Hermaphroditus_intersex
Originally uploaded by enfemmetv
I don’t know where this statue is, or if it’s just great Photoshopping. Whichever, I thank enfemmetv for allowing people to share the photo.
The Official Poly Lovers’ Gift List
Author Lorelei
Each year the Polyarchy — the secret cabal of experts who rule the sexual underground — tries to simplify the lives of up-to-date polyfolk by designing new relationship agreements and requirements, determining what behavior is healthy and what is unhealthy, and setting appropriate and unbreakable boundaries for consensually non-monogamous behavior. Next year’s rules will differ, but, as you know, times change, and last year’s avant-garde is next year’s obsolete.
Under the influence of Mad Men and their bibulous ways, 2010 has been declared the Year of the Beverage. Check this list for the appropriate gift given the length, intensity, and health of the relationship.
One hour to 6 days: glass bottle of sparkling water (plastic is verboten, as it shows minimal environmental sensitivity; warm temperature is acceptable, especially if you enjoy watching seltzer explode all over your partner). Providing a glass and ice cubes shows a willingness to extend the relationship, but a slice of lemon may seem too pushy.
1 week to 20 days: Liter bottle of sparkling water, preferably in cobalt-blue glass. Must be chilled but not frozen. Splitting it by way of two straws shows an arch playfulness masking greed and cheapness.
3 weeks to 6 weeks: Beer by the glass or six-pack is the best choice for this difficult interim period. Microbrews indicate hipness, and many carry amusingly weird names that can send a message to the recipient — the alcoholic version of conversation hearts. Expect knowing smiles in return for Polygamy Porter, and snarled recriminations from Arrogant Bastard or Buttface Amber Ale. When you want to give your beloved a sexual hint, try Golden Shower or In Heat Wheat. Colt 45 is widely considered a preface to restraining orders.
6 weeks to 6 months: Low-priced wine or soda may replace the beer. Two-Buck Chuck indicates a casual relationship. Chardonnay and White Zinfandel reveal shallow, status-based relationships with people whose internal clock stopped sometime during the Reagan era. An Australian Petit Syrah invites the recipient to “climb into my pouch,” or move in. Wine from the former Yugoslavia is an excellent choice, as nobody knows whether it’s supposed to be good or bad. Choosing soda indicates that you and/or your partner are alcoholics, on probation, or jailbait. Embracing the “and” in this situation could become messy.
Beyond 6 months: Casual relationships demand consumables: Blended scotch, martinis, schnapps, liqueurs, and flavored vodkas all come into play. Expense and bottle size indicate the giver’s intentions. A half-pint flask of Popov vodka or Old Crow predicts a brief and regrettable relationship. Gallon jugs of gin, Long Island Iced Tea, or spiced rum promise longer but stormy entanglements.
Secondary partners should be given barware, such as crystal glasses, cocktail shakers, and decanters, all of which must be smashed or returned when the secondary becomes too demanding. Primary partners may be given top-shelf liquors such as 40-year-old single-malt scotch, but only if they promise to share.
Special for the Hot Bi Babe you made a pass at: Unicorn Winery’s Slightly Embarrassed for a failed pass, Traminette for a successful one.
We hope this list will make your holiday shopping simpler. Why worry about your individual partners’ needs, tastes, and interests, when you can consult this handy gift guide?
Incidentally, Mistress Lorelei is always open to gifts of good single-malt Scotch, aged Wild Turkey, and such fine liqueurs as Chambord, Creme Yvette Violet Liqueur, and Bailey’s Irish Cream.
And They Think We’re Kinky
Author Lorelei
This year’s Bad Sex in Fiction Prize winner is Rowan Somerville (or possibly Summerville) for The Shape of Her. This novel sounds like the premise for a soft-porn film: two passionate young lovers vacationing on a Greek island. But the taut nubile bodies romping in an idyllic setting don’t seem to be having much fun, at least not from the excerpts I’ve read. (The book isn’t available in the US yet.) At one point their lovemaking is described in this anti-erotic fashion:“a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.”
I’ll keep the insects out of my bed, thanks. I prefer to be responsible for performing any biting or stinging activities, not to mention piercing anything with a needle.